Humor

Enjoy that nice weather – it’s only the world attacking us

World War III is already underway and we are going to lose. It’s entirely inevitable. Yet, for some reason, we don’t care.

For the last world war, everybody was in on the effort. Everyone who wasn’t  overseas made bullets and worked in factories, because apparently everyone could easily do the job of mechanical engineers back then.

We were all in on stopping the Nazis. The only people who were ever against war were the hippies. But this time, in World War III, the people who are actually willing to fight are considered the hippies.

The third world war is happening, and this time we’re not fighting each other, we’re fighting the world. The world is literally fighting against us, and we’re just ignoring it.

It was 70 degrees in February, and nobody has freaked out. We were enjoying early summer weather in the middle of winter. During high school, every single person who heard I was going to attend Syracuse University immediately said, “Better buy a big coat, it gets cold up there.” I’m from New Jersey, and so far the infamous blizzard that cancelled Halloween has been much worse than anything we’ve ever experienced up here.

Part of the problem is movies. In movies like “The Day After Tomorrow,” we see the world coming to an end with extreme weather conditions. But, that’s not until the last day. What they failed to show was all the summer days in the middle of the winter. The world isn’t suddenly going to end one day with a massive tidal wave or a meteor. No, we are slowly dying every time you’re able to sit on the quad in a romper.

But who actually cares? Everyone will tweet, but who is trying to change things on a large scale? Bernie Sanders seems to be the only one who really cares. I get that he looks like Dr. Brown from “Back to the Future,” but is he seriously the only one doing anything about it on a governmental scale?

One major scientist is actually going on television and trying to spread knowledge about the deathly monumental effects of climate change: Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sure, he’s knowledgeable. But he hosted a children’s science television show in the ‘90s and he’s the only one with enough balls to get on CNN and use facts. That’s like tasking Gene Simmons with eradicating obesity in America. It seems like we are not even trying.

For those who don’t believe in climate change or maybe just don’t understand it, let me put it in terms that may be a little more comprehendible to you.

Let’s pretend you were at Starbucks and you got an iced coffee, but they put way too much ice. It’s, like, almost overflowing, but you can’t drink it yet. OMG, so scary, ugh. If you don’t let those ice cubes melt and keep it at a reasonably chilled temperature, you’ll be fine. But, if you put it out in the hot sun so those ice cubes melt right away, you’re going to have a mess of spilled coffee everywhere. And there’s nothing worse than spilled coffee, right?

Wrong. It’s an earth where everything is under water. We need to stop this crisis and negotiate a peace treaty with Mother Nature. Recycling and biking to work and everything else is great but it won’t save anything. We need people in positions of power to actually fight for us. And appointing someone to run Starbucks who has sued the refrigerator you keep the ice cold with 13 times in his previous job is a step in the wrong direction — cough, Scott Pruitt, cough.

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